Should Have Known Better
Storytime! The other day, we drove by a Goodwill, and then we had this conversation.
Me: Up until I was about – actually, it doesn’t matter how old I was – I used to think that Goodwill drive-throughs were for shopping. Like, you could drive up and say, “Hey! I want a shirt!” and they’d go find it for you.
Sean:
Me:
Sean: I think it's important to know how old you were.
Me: High school.
And that got me thinking, there are a lot of things that you think are true as a grown-ass woman who should know better kid that just…aren’t. I think we all know where this is going. List time!
Stupid Things I Thought Were True Many Moons Ago:
1. The sole purpose of shaving cream is to keep track of where you’ve shaved so far. And the sole purpose of razors is to get the shaving cream off.
I really thought people were in an endless cycle of putting on shaving cream just so they could take it off. After I realized that razors remove hair, I still thought that the shaving cream half of that was true. TBH, I haven’t used shaving cream in 10+ years because I think it’s a waste of money.
2. When it gets dark, stuffed animals come to life. (Not all of them, though. Just the really special ones.)
I was probably four or five when this became a thing. Because my memory is through the lens of a four- or five-year-old, I only have that filter to view it through, so this is how I remember it: In the middle of the night, I walked out into the kitchen to get a glass of water, and I saw my stuffed poodle walking around in the living room.
HOLD ON. I need to introduce you to the poodle. This was my FAVORITE stuffed animal for like two weeks. She was white and fluffy and had little red bows on her ears. I loved her.
Back to business: I screamed and ran into my parents’ room and told them that my stuffed animal was alive and walking about. They said, “Ah, yes. That happens sometimes. When a stuffed animal is as loved as your poodle, it will come to life when the lights go out.” (Bear in mind, we’re still in my four/five-year-old reality.)
I was so freaked out that I got rid of the poodle and vowed never to love a stuffed animal that much ever again.
What I think actually happened: I had a nightmare that my stuffed poodle came to life, and my parents were like, “It’s ok. It was just a dream. Go back to sleep and leave us the hell alone.”
3. My cat Chloe ran away to live with the hippies.
I have to admit…I was in high school before I found out this wasn’t true. I mean, I figured out that she probably didn’t run away to live with the hippies who lived down the street, but I still thought she was alive and living her best life somewhere in the wild.
I found out the truth when everyone in my family started talking about the manner in which poor Chloe passed away, and I’m pretty sure my eyes did this:
4. Cars make a clicking noise when you’re slowing down.
Took me a good bit to learn that that clicking sound…was the turn signal. I thought it just came on any time you hit the breaks to let everyone in the car know that you were going to be slowing down for a little bit.
I even used to make that noise with my tongue any time I’d slow down on my bike.
Also, this doesn’t really belong on the list, but as I was reminiscing, I recalled another random memory nugget from when I was a child: a weird dude from one of my childhood field trips.
I remember pretty much nothing about this field trip – don’t know where we were or which grade I was in – BUT I have a very specific memory of the guy who was guiding us around this…farm? Wildlife situation of some sort? Anyway, he promptly stopped, kneeled down, and said, “Rabbit droppings!” He then PICKED THEM UP AND RUBBED THEM BETWEEN HIS THUMB AND POINTER.
Everyone in the class was disgusted, and he was like, “It’s just decomposed food. Looks like she was eating…” and then went on to list off the things he found in the rabbit turd. I remember at the time thinking, “Huh. That was interesting.”
But now I’m like, “Dude, that was super freaking gross.” And also, I’m pretty sure that guy ended up being the inspiration behind Dwight Schrute’s character when The Office came out however many years later.
If I was an influencer, this is the part of the blog post where I’d be all, “What about YOU? Do you have any random memories from your childhood? Tell me in the comments!”
xoxo,
Nat Dawg